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Monday, March 30, 2015

I Farted, So I Stopped Eating Wheat

There are unexplainable things happening to my pre-40 self.  I suppose if I actually felt like pursuing an answer a doctor could shed some light on these things, but I'm not really sure I want to hear the word "permimenopause" just yet.  The ridiculously radiating internal heat that is occurring in the middle of the night is somewhat concerning, considering that this heat could likely fuel a dwarf planet.  All of that mess aside, I was farting!

Yes farting is embarrassing.  Loud, soul crushing farting is worse.  Soy and oats were my worst enemies and we learned this years ago. My kids could tell you stories of Fiber One Bars.  It was a little rough knowing that no soy had passed my lips, yet I was Dr. Nefario making the minions drop after emitting a shot from the fart ray gun.  Plus, there was this gut thing happening that was even more disturbing.  My waste line was expanding inexplicably!

Short of going on Atkins to change my waste size, I decided to just give up on wheat and most sugar, like I had last year's Lent.  Though I'm not Catholic, I tend to use this time of year to refocus on health and get rid of Winter's hibernation weight.  This year's elimination of all alcohol didn't really work out.  Please don't judge me and remember that I homeschool.

It turns out that giving up wheat and sugar is actually easier than giving up an occasional cocktail.  Go figure!  I stopped farting!  I have dropped five pounds!  I started running with energy again!  My mood has been uplifted!  My pants fit better!  My complexion has been flawless!  If you couldn't tell, this was likely a renewed best decision ever.

Finding gluten free alternatives is not so hard these days.  Brown rice has become a source of great pleasure when I feel the strong desire for a bagel.  More vegetables is always a good idea.  The organic section at the local market makes this big change much easier.  Thank you quinoa for being a tasty alternative to pasta.  Thank you corn flakes for existing when I miss cereal.  Oh and cauliflower, you are the best thing to happen to the produce aisle.

Sometimes I miss the ease of grabbing a sandwich.  I miss the flatulence less.  Sometimes I miss grabbing a bowl of yummy cereal (a personal and lifetime favorite).  I miss the farting less.  Sometimes I miss cookies.  I will eat one once in awhile with no ill effects.  Hooray!

Hopefully this diet switcharoo will hold off the changes that are inevitably coming.  I accept the fact that I'm no longer 21 and my waistline will never look like that again.  Dr. Nefario will have to take a backseat for awhile though because that fart gun is out of commission. 

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